I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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