I just pynch a tree in the face
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
