I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
