I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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