In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
