shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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