every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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