woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
