woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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