I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
