Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
