hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
