our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
