hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
