It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
