Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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