he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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