The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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