Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
