That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
