Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
