your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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