I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
