I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
