so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
