You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Four minutes until I can fart!
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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