I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
