Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
