i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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