She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
