The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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