all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
