So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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