Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
