Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
