There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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