I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize