Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
