When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
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i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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