I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
