Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
