the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
