I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Is Oprah even human
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
