you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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