My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
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Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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