Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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