I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
