I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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