It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
