and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
