If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
pop tarts are not kleenex
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
