God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
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i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
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The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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