After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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