okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
