I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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