A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
