4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
