i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.