It's like God shit irony all over that family
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar