My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
