I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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